See Mommy Pass Out

1088th place is awesome.
 I finished my first 10k race today and it was miserable. I don’t feel proud that I accomplished it, all I feel is pain and exhaustion. It took me 1 hour and 15 minutes to finish, which is pretty bad and means that since I only beat 12 people out of 1100, a bunch of little kids and old men beat me too. I ran with one of my friends from college who I am indebted to because I would have quit if it wasn’t for her talking me through it and pushing me to keep going.


I was running so slow at one point, I actually forgot I was even in a race until the winning runner came whooshing by as he LAPPED me on only my 3rd mile. I was in awe of him. He was running about a 5 minute mile and was finishing up his 6th mile like he was out for a jaunt in the park. It was so effortless for him, he was just gliding by. I started to whine to myself, "why is everything so hard for ME, school was hard, being a good therapist is hard, being a good wife and mom is hard, this stupid race is hard, there is NOTHING I do that comes naturally easy to me."


I managed to hit mile 4 at 45 minutes and was feeling like I was gonna pull this thing off, until I took about 3 more steps and just hit my wall. The last 2 miles were me basically trudging  and Julie (my friend and who I blame for my current pain) puling me along. I must have taken a nap along the way without realizing it because those last 2 miles took me 30 minutes.


My husband, the hero, came out with all 3 kids like he does for every one of my races and I could hear him cheering for me as I rounded into the 6th mile. I seriously started to well up; I just was ready for it to be over. As I headed for the finish line, I suddenly was renewed with energy and got my form back, this was coming naturally to me and finally it was feeling amazing! I could be like the 5 minute mile guy, I could be a good mom, wife and therapist and make it all look easy. Those thoughts were quickly dashed in the next second. As I ran past my family heading for the finish, my son yelled out, and I wish I was making this up, “You earned yourself a big Bud Light mom!” At least I ended the race laughing.

See Mommy Run

I just signed up for 10k and I’m starting to panic because the race is in 12 days.


So I started telling everyone I was running a 10k in hopes that I would then actually go through with it. My friend who is a physical therapist responded to my boasts “I love you runners, you all keep me in business.” Is there that much injury? I haven’t had more than just knee pain. So I researched running injuries and immediately had over 8 types of injuries to pick from. 65-85% of all runners suffer injuries. I doubt most sports have 85% of their athletes on the bench. Running is the one sport that people do with full gusto without any training or coaching. We just walk out our doors and start running.


I caught the running bug because I was desperate to lose the most stubborn of all fat, the stick to your gut and butt flab otherwise known as -third child baby fat. (Can I just mention real quick that my third baby weighed 12 pounds) It wasn’t coming off and running is the only activity I know that leaves you so beaten down and exhausted that I figured it had to do the trick. I don’t know if it’s all the numbers involved- run a 5k in 26:50- or just the anguish it causes, but in the end you feel so accomplished, like you are a real athlete!


After running about 10 miles a week and participating in six 5k’s this summer, I lost 22 lbs! However, that was August and now I am staring at January and 9 inches of snow on the ground. I won’t exactly be feeling the wind in my hair and the sun on my back as I trudge on a treadmill. I can’t stand running on the treadmill and so I haven’t run a step in over 3 months.


I started reading “Born to Run” by Christopher McDougal. If you like to run even a little bit, I highly recommend this book. It explains the phenomena of running, why some can run for hundreds of miles and others are sore after only two. It also was what I needed to get my mojo back, lace up those Asics gels, squeeze into that jog bra and head for the monotonous churning of the treadmill. This time around I am running because I want to run, not just to lose weight but because I like it and it’s now become a part of me. I just need to keep telling myself that.


When I got to the gym (please applaud because getting myself there was ¾ the battle) it was packed which makes it even that much more intimidating if you haven’t worked out in awhile. I’m so insecure that I had to give everyone that “Stop calling me fatso in your head!” look. I stepped on the only empty treadmill and used all my magic powers to just start running. It wasn’t half as bad as I thought it would be, it actually felt good and I remembered I really do like running. Then I felt that annoying jiggling feeling– is that my butt? With all that shaking going on I think my pants were having a dance a party.


My form is so bad that I might as well start quacking because I run like a duck. I do this strange leg -kick move, leaving the insides of my ankles either bruised or muddied after each run. I focused on my form “Back straight”, I told myself, “head up, don’t fall off this thing and don’t look at your feet!” I covered up the panel counting my calories and played the “don’t look at the time” game as I focused on the 10 TV screens in front of me, danggit I got the TV with Ghost Whisperer. After watching Jennifer Love Hewitt hallucinate for the 3rd time, I started to feel a little winded, ok one peek at the clock- 6:32 minutes – that’s all! I finally did 1.5 miles in about 17 minutes- not very good but workable. Maybe.


The next morning I must have slept 44 years because I woke up feeling like I was 80. That old knee pain was back and screaming at me with each step down the stairs. And my back was so stiff. Why did I do this to myself? I have 2 friends who have both run marathons yet now they swear by Pilates and claim they have never felt so fit or strong. I needed to take a different approach.


I decided to take some nutritional advice from the book “Born to Run” and strengthen myself on the inside, apparently people who run hundreds of miles eat loads of the herb Chia and a corn meal called Pinole. So I sought out some Chia and Pinole. Chia: as in Chia Pet. As much as I’d rather have a chia for a pet than my carpet pissing dog, I opted for the $9.95 chia powder. Pinole is hard to find and some type of corn grain that acts as an anti-oxidant but since I’m not sure I have the commitment to plant my own corn field; I think I’ll skip it and buy new running shoes instead.


I’m off to the insufferable treadmill and am running up to about 3 miles again, I’m ready to push myself and keep going, even when it’s the last thing in the universe I feel like doing. I guess running is a lot like anything else in life –uumm yea this is where I have some great insight, but right now I’m just trying to sit here without my back spasming and my legs cramping up- I’ll get back to you after the big race! Wish me luck you fellow runners of the world.

Haiti

I have to admit that when I first heard about the earthquake in Haiti I thought to myself, “I hope we help all those people out.” When I said we, I meant our government, not really so much me.

For whatever reason ( maybe it was my kids fighting over the princess bed at 3 am) I woke up this morning really irritated and decided it was because I hate the paint colors in my house and needed to paint the whole downstairs. I worked myself up into a minor depression just trying to figure out which color, what hue and what trim color would match the floral curtains- that I hate- that have been here since we moved in- and the faded green couch that also doubles as the dog’s bed. Totally overwhelming when you are already mid break down. So like lots of other things I start, I threw the paint chips on the floor and picked another target. Maybe we just need new carpet and a new couch, that should do it.

Minutes later my husband comes down the stairs with 2 of our 3 kids and they are all dressed for church. Really? We are going to church today? Can’t you see I’m busy with my Pottery Barn catalog? I just don’t even want to deal with what church entails nor do I have the energy to even dress myself.


An hour later I am sitting in church and my pastor says this – pretty much directly to me- “when you hear yourself saying – somebody should do something for those people- its God saying YOU are that SOMEBODY!” In other words- get over the preoccupation about all that is wrong with my perfectly good and standing up right house- and help out others - who don’t even have a house to paint.


In the past during Katrina and other tragedies I have given to the Red Cross, I was good with that but there were lots of reports that my money wasn’t really going toward the Katrina relief but just Red Cross in general. I’m not at all saying don’t give to the Red Cross- but it’s hard to know who to give to or if your money is really going to the actual cause. So if you are interested in giving to an organization other than the Red Cross, many of our local churches are giving to The Global Orphan Project an organization that is already in place in Haiti and already providing services. It was also pointed out that while rebuilding homes is crucial, giving aid to the thousands of children who have just been orphaned is also a great need. Here is a link to The Global Orphan Project ,if you want to check it out:

http://theglobalorphanproject.org/donate/relief

I think this is a good resource to donate to because it builds homes and gives aid to Haiti’s orphans but mostly because they are already there on the ground, in Haiti and 100% of my money can go directly, right now, to orphan care and relief.
Just what is on my mind today.

How much milk did we drink?

I woke up this morning to a row of emptied milk cartons, all lined up waiting to start their new life in the recycling bin. I counted four cartons and then frantically checked the fridge. Whew! Two more gallons left waiting to be glugged down. Good Lord that’s a lot of milk and it’s only been five days! Well five days of being snowed in- it’s been a cold and snowy winter here and as much as I would love to impart you with fabulous creative activities to do with your children on a snowy day , the most interesting thing I did was watch my kids eat and eat and drink milk.
 I started to log in my head how much food we were wolfing through. Since we’ve been basically snowed in, I have been “cooking” (peanut butter and jelly sandwich is to cooking) all the meals .Here is a rundown of what my family of 5 ate in just one week:

8 chicken breasts
2 boxes of waffles

3 lbs of beef
Entire jar of peanut butter
 2 dozen cookies
 9 bananas
1 box of oatmeal
2 loaves of bread- plus the 2 I baked
 3 boxes of granola bars
 0 bottles of wine (what a nightmare!)
 One bag of chicken nuggets
 18 Diet Dr. Peppers
 1 ham
 And drum roll please… 4 ½ gallons of milk.

The milk consumption started me thinking- why not buy the cow and get the milk for free? At $2 .49 a gallon- that’s $ 9.96 a week, adding up to $517 a year- just for milk. I actually Googled- “how much is a dairy cow” and in .31 seconds I learned that I can buy my very own milk cow for about 500 bucks. That is a 17 dollar savings! Save money and piss off the neighbors, where do I sign the cow adoption papers?I could hook the cow’s utters up to a hose that connects right to our fridge’s water dispenser, my kids could just stick their faces under there and drink milk straight from the spout. Not to mention all of the money I'll save on butter and cream. In the end, I get a new pair of leather boots out of the deal. Just kidding I wouldn’t do that – maybe just a little purse.

This may seem extreme to you or maybe it sounds all too familiar - would love to know!!

Date Nite

         One of my favorite date nites  

With all the busyness and chaos of the holiday season, I had the strongest need for a night out with my husband, just to get away and clear our heads. I was just about ready to hop in the shower to wash the baby poo off my arm, yep I said it, when he called from work.

‘Hey Baby, how is it going it today?”


I hurriedly explain my 5 minute window of time for a shower as my mind wonders if we have any peanut butter left. And wine??


“ Oh so you are naked then, allriiight”


“NO this is not good or sexy naked, this is your son smeared his poop all over the crib naked and this time he got it in the carpet, so what’s up?”


Clearly missing the urgency of my situation, he goes on: “Just wanting to set up our plans for a fun night out, I was thinking we could sit down and discuss how our relationship has been going the last ten years and then plan on how we want the next ten years to roll out.”


“You mean you want to have a business meeting with me. Do I need to bring an agenda? That doesn’t sound like a fun date at all.” Actually, I don’t really get annoyed because one of the things I love about my husband is that he already has his favorite moment’s reel of our 10 yr marriage ready for me to preview. He is always thinking of me. He’s not even swayed by the poop situation.


Unfortunately our plans were derailed by a number of different reasons and our night away didn’t happen. Instead we happily stood by our old tradition of snuggling by the fire with Chinese take- out and wine.


Whenever I start to plan ahead for the next year, month or even weekend, I suddenly turn into this travel agent guru and am sidetracked by a luxurious week‘s stay on Kauai. Just as I am ready to mentally book the vacation of a lifetime, my husband snaps me back into reality, “I want to make sure we are starting off the year on the same page, thinking about what things we should change, maybe talk about some resolutions we want to make.”


I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, I figure if I’m not doing it already I won’t start just because it’s January, but I do attempt to go back to what was working in my life . I have all these great ideas but I get lazy or busy and then stop doing the things that I really liked or made a real difference in my life. One of those great ideas that fell by the wayside had been nagging at me lately and it was something my mom told me when I first was married.


Surrender Expectations


This doesn’t mean not to hold any expectations, I think having some expectations are important, but for me it means to surrender my own expectations that I put onto others, mainly my husband. I expect that he will love me and keep our vows, but it’s unfair for me to place my unrealistic expectations on him. If they are my expectations why should he have to live up to them, shouldn’t I be the one doing that for myself? He can’t be everything I need; no one person could possibly meet all my needs and expectations. That’s a lot of weight to put on one person. I don’t want my husband to expect things of me that I can’t possibly fulfill. I’ve had to get honest with myself and realize some of my expectations are about some image or idea that I have dreamed up. Expectations can cause resentment followed by frustrations towards each other. Now add a little strained marriage into the picture and it’s really hard to be a good parent.


I struggle terribly with demanding he come home from work earlier, the fact is he has a lot of responsibilities that don’t fit into a 9-5 time frame. When he finally does come home, instead of welcoming him, I scowl and fuss at him for being home so late and making me have to do it all. In response he is hurt and becomes defensive or basically wants to get away from me so he doesn’t have to hear me complain. Nice way to end your day together.


So I stuffed all my expectations of the perfect family sitting down together for dinner and when he came home exhausted at 7:30, I showed him warmth and compassion instead. His whole attitude and demeanor changed and he was happier to be home and even more helpful than usual. I am someone who thinks my every thought should be heard -a you better listen to me or else kind of wife- so imagine how hard it was to stifle my rantings. But I have to admit I felt better being respectful and understanding towards him rather than my usual exasperating self.


So, I am focused on all the wonderful things he does, like building our basement and saving us hundreds of dollars or staying up late to clean so I can wake up to a sparkling spotless kitchen. He is my kitchen fairy.

I have found it freeing to release some of my expectations and I think my husband feels more valued and appreciated. If those are the results than perhaps I just found my New Year’s resolution afterall.